Let me start by saying life is awesome. I’m having a blast and I couldn’t imagine having more fun than I currently am. However, I will admit that it isn’t what I imagined life would be at age 28. I thought that I would be married and possibly with a child or at least one on the way.
This is the kind of blog post that you’re not supposed to write. You’re not supposed to say this stuff out loud because it’s awkward and even perhaps desperate sounding. But it’s been on my heart for a while and I know there are others who feel the same way.
The photo here is from 10 years ago at 18 on a Life Teen retreat (I am the geek in the middle holding the Bible). I know that the girl in that picture had no idea what was in store for her. But I can honestly say the dreams did not include being 28 and single.
Saturday night, I tweeted about how I am jealous of my friends who are married with/without children and the response was overwhelming. To those who responded to me, thanks for all the supportive tweets. It meant a lot in my time of need and was, in a very selfish way, refreshing to know I am NOT alone.
Saturday I attended a Baptism and it was beautiful. I loved seeing my friends with their beautiful daughter as she received such grace from our Lord. But as I held this precious child at the celebration following the service, I couldn’t help but yearn for it to be MY TURN to have these moments. “Lord, when will you provide this for me?”, I thought to myself.
Then at Mass today, God revealed Himself to me in a very real and reassuring way. The second reading was so very appropriate for my current struggle – 1 Corinthians 7:32-35: “Brothers and sisters: I should like you to be free of anxieties … An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.”
“To be free of anxieties” … wouldn’t that just be a great place to be in life? Society imposes so many pressures upon us and I am my own worst enemy by imposing even more goals for myself. I often feel that there must be something wrong with me to be 28 and single. That no one will ever want to marry me.
Following Mass, I met with a group of young adults from my parish to further discuss the readings from Mass. It was a beautiful thing. The entire group shared my worries and frustrations and anxieties about our current states in life. Just 24 hours after I shared my feelings, God provides me with a group of Catholics with whom to share in this struggle. Praise God for His understanding and grace.
I am not alone.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my life. I’m very happy … but my heart desires more.
I desire a holy man who will build me up and help me create an amazing family one day. It’s something that I’m not willing to compromise on. But I’m finding more and more that this is difficult to find. I must trust, however, in the Lord that He’s got a divine plan for me – whether it’s to be single or to be married. I can’t wait til I can hold MY child on his or her baptism day.
I should (and do) count my blessings that I love my job and I get to travel – truly my favorite thing to do! Perhaps God hasn’t introduced my spouse to me yet because I’m not ready and because I still have the desire to be always on the go. But it’s on the weekend when I feel a void in my life. Friends are busy with their spouses and significant others. I spend a lot of time alone. I’m a textbook extrovert so this is challenging for me! To be honest, I often dread the arrival of the weekend. I feel forgotten and lonely.
But thankfully, God has provided friends – both locally and all over – who help build me up. Dustin (@16bitCatholic) over at The Catholic Lovebirds tried to start a hashtag campaign to #findVabsadate. Nothing came of it, but it sure made me laugh. So thanks for that, buddy. Maybe one day …
So my challenge is to trust, be patient and do my best to live out God’s will for me. In the mean time, as I continue to discern my vocation, I must keep faith and carry on. God provides. My humanity just struggles to remember this amidst my selfishness.
Pray for me and I for you. “Be Free of Anxieties.”